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Relationship and Attachment Styles

The link between early childhood needs and attachment styles 

We have many basic needs that we rely on others such as our parents and close relations to help us meet during our early stages of life. These vital psychological needs include feeling a sense of belonging and safety, feeling prioritized and taken care of, feeling seen and understood, being chosen, and the need for independence and autonomy. When any of these needs are not sufficiently met, it can become the driver for our unhealthy ways of relating and attaching to others, especially to significant others such as a partner. Healing attachment trauma requires discovering our pattern of attachment, understanding the history of our unmet needs, and finding creative ways to give to ourselves what we should have received during our early years. 

Attachment styles 

Secure Attachment​

  • Appreciates own self-worth and is able to be oneself in relationship

  • Finds satisfaction in momentary solitude as well as  in companionship 

  • Able to give and elicit from partner what one needs

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Anxious Attachment​

  • Struggles with sense of self-worth and believes partner will eventually leave

  • Needs constant reassurance and lots of attention from partner

  • Often criticized for being clingy and controlling

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Avoidant Attachment​

  • Desires connection but avoids deep intimacy due to tremendous fear of loss 

  • Avoids relying and needing others

  • Often criticized for being distant and closed off

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Fearful Avoidant Attachment

  • Alternates between closeness and distance in relationship

  • Fears losing autonomy and personhood in relationships

  • Often criticized for non-committance in relationships

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